Serena Sparklypoo and the Goblet of Fire
by SortingHat007
Summary: Wanting to change the course of Harry's life, a young fanfiction author has a brilliant idea. Send the absolutely perfect Mary-Sue Serena Sparklypoo to Hogwarts! Nothing can possibly go wrong. Or so she thinks...*I do not own Harry Potter, JKR does*
1. Chocolate Coated Banana

_I do not own Harry Potter or 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie'__, or PacMan. Rated K plus for mild language._

Fanfiction. Fanfiction is the most glorious of all art forms, the only scrap of solace for Harry Potter fangirls who have no purpose in life now that the seventh book is over, the realization of fangirls' dreams to attend Hogwarts and date Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, or both, and, most importantly, fanfiction is the domain of the secret rulers of the universe, fanfiction writers.

Before this story can be told, the concept of a fanfiction writer must be fully explained. Fanfiction writers are probably the most important people in the world of Harry Potter. When most Muggles hear the term 'fanfiction writer' they believe this is referring to a writer of fanfiction. Where they get an idea this ludicrous is anyone's guess. A fanfiction writer is obviously a tall, freckled, redheaded Starbucks Barista named Curly who works part-time at a top-secret CCBBRWIGWTSUL in New York City, which as everyone knows stands for Chocolate-Coated-Banana-Bazooka-Related-Weapons-In-Gorilla-Warfare-Top-Secret-Underground-Lab.

Now, these CCBBRWIGWTSUL's are the key to defeating Lord Voldemort, because, as everyone knows, the one force in the universe that Voldemort cannot face is not love, as that is the worst cliché ever written, but chocolate coated bananas. So the Ministry arms their Aurors with prototype Chocolate Coated Banana Bazookas, and Dumbledore keeps one stored inside the Sorting Hat. After all, the only reason Harry survived that fateful night as a baby was because he had eaten some chocolate coated bananas for dessert. Just as Voldemort cast the Killing Curse, Harry burped, and the mere odor of the chocolate coated bananas nearly destroyed Lord Voldemort, and made him famous forevermore as The Boy Who Burped. This makes much more sense than that crazy rumor circulating that Harry survived because Lily died to save him. After all, the power of love is nothing compared to a chocolate coated banana.

Of course, studies have shown that chocolate coated bananas do little or no damage when used in gorilla warfare, and actually feed the enemy gorillas instead of harming them. So, instead of teaming up with the dementors, Voldemort plans to raise an army of Dark gorillas to face the Ministry. Then the world will cower as his Banana Eaters dominate the globe.

Of course, this story is not about a tall, freckled, redheaded Starbucks Barista named Curly who works at a top-secret CCBBRWIGWTSUL in New York City, or about this insidious plot of Voldemort's Banana Eaters, but a fanfiction author. Fanfiction authors are probably the second most important people in the world of Harry Potter. When most Muggles hear the term 'fanfiction author' they believe this is referring to an author of fanfiction. This is absolutely correct. Fanfiction authors have powers that manifest themselves in mysterious ways. They can cause established characters to act out of character, insert themselves into their favorite stories, or create Mary-Sues to enter a story for them.

There are also various positions such as those of fanfiction novelists, fanfiction dramatists, fanfiction poets, and fanfiction songwriters, who are monkeys with typewriters named Inky, angsty shoe models named Pinky, giant animate teddy bears from the CIA named Agent Blinky, and sentient parasites named Sue who inhabit the bodies of aforementioned angsty shoe models named Pinky, respectively. But the most prominent and well-known masters of fanfiction are fanfiction authors and writers.

Why do you need to know all this, you might ask? You need to know because one day Voldemort may try to kill you. And it is crucial to know his greatest weakness. It is like it says in the world-famous book, 'If You Give Lord Voldemort A Sundae':

"If you give Lord Voldemort a sundae…he will die, because the banana was chocolate coated. THE END."

_If you like this__ so far__, please read my other works. Thank you!_


	2. A Vaguely Vague Strike

_I don't own Harry Potter. I also do not own a brother named Iggy._

Our story begins in a room in a house on a street. This description of setting may seem vague, but then, it was a rather vague room in a vague house on a vague street. It was surrounded by equally vague houses inhabited by vague families. From the outside, this vague house looked like any other equally vague house, with an equally vague car painted an equally vague color in the equally vague driveway. Of course, this seemingly vague house was inhabited by a substantially less vague family than the rest of the vague houses on their vague street in their vague neighborhood.

"Psst!" a vague voice whispered from the vague closet in the vague room, addressing the vague third-person vague omniscient vague narrative. "Quit overusing the word 'vague'," the vague voice whispered vaguely, "and introduce me!" The vague third-person vague omniscient vague narrative vaguely requested a little vague more time to vaguely use the vague word 'vague'. "No!" the vague voice said vaguely, "Introduce me _now_!"

The third-person narrative stopped using the v-word and began. The narrative introduced the most beautiful, funny, popular, and talented fanfiction author the world had ever seen, _the author_! "Aw, thank you, thank you," the author said, stepping out of the closet, "please, hold your applause!" There was silence. "I said, _hold your applause_!" There was still silence. "That's your cue!" she hissed to the narrative. Suddenly a deafening applause burst from the room. "Ah yes, please, please, I know I'm amazing!" the author said, "Please try to contain your excitement!"

The author loved Harry Potter. "I love Harry Potter," the author sighed. The author would give anything to be in a Harry Potter book. "I would give anything to be in a Harry Potter book." The third-person narrative pointed out that the author was being redundant since it had already pointed out those facts. "The third-person narrative just pointed out that I'm being redundant…hey, wait a minute! I'm the author here!" she snapped at the narrative, "You're just being an attention hog!" The third-person narrative knew she was, but what was it? "Shut up!" The author wasn't the boss of the narrative. "I am _so_ the boss of you!" It was a free country. "You're not even a citizen! You're just a disembodied voice that nobody but I can hear! Now, be quiet or you're fired!" The author couldn't fire the narrative, the narrative quit! The narrative was going on strike until the author treated it with respect. "So what? I don't need you! There's a such thing as a first-person point of view. So there! I'll just narrate the story myself!"

"Okay, dear readers, it's me, the author. The third person narrative has just gone on strike, so I will be explaining everything that's happening right now. I mean, how hard can it be? Okay, so I'm in my room, and I'm talking about everything that I would do if I were in a Harry Potter book. So I'm saying that I'd arrive at Hogwarts, teach Harry all he needs to know to win the Triwizard Tournament, save Cedric Diggory, and then cause him to break up with Cho so that he can date me—by the way, I'm whispering this so that even you, the reader, can't hear me…wait, I just told you, so you _did_ hear it…and…um…just pretend I never said that, okay? It's kind of embarrassing—oh, and I'd defeat Voldemort so he can't kill Fred Weasley or Colin Creevy so I can date _them_…oh, darn. I said that one out loud too, didn't I? Crud. Ignore that as well, okay? Man, this narrating stuff is harder than I thought. I miss the narrative. I'm sorry, narrative! Will you please come back?" Would the author promise to treat the narrative with respect? "I will." Would the author double the narrative's salary? "You don't have a salary—What I mean is, of course I'll double your salary. I'll even triple it." Could the narrative use the word 'vague' all it wants for an entire paragraph? "No! Anything but that!" Then the narrative said no. "All right! All right! One paragraph!"

The narrative vaguely accepted the vague author and vaguely began to resume the vague narration. The vague narration was vaguely accented by the vague use of the vague word 'vague'. The author vaguely became vaguely slightly insane because of the vague narrative's overuse of the vague word vaguely known as the vague word of 'vague'. "Okay, that's a long enough paragraph!" the vague author vaguely said to the vague narrative vaguely. "I said, that's long enough!" the vague author vaguely repeated to the vague empty air. Vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vague vaguely vague. "Aaaaaaaaaah!" the vague author vaguely screamed, vaguely clutching her vaguely vague head. "End the paragraph! End the paragraph! _For the love of God, end the paragraph_!" The vague narrative vaguely reminded the vague author of their vaguely vague agreement, that the vague narrative vaguely had one vague paragraph to vaguely say vague. "_Iggy_!" the vague author vaguely screamed towards her vaguely vague brother's vague room.

"What?" her brother Iggy called back, annoyed.

"Never mind!" Then, to the narrative, the author gloated, "Hah! I made there be a new paragraph! Now you can't say the v-word anymore! Ha-ha-ha!" The third-person omniscient narrative conceded defeat.

The author then picked up her copy of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_. "Now, where were we?" The author tried to remember where they left off. "…I love Harry Potter…want to be in the book…I'd kill Voldemort…oh, yeah! Here we are." She cleared her throat. "If only I could be in a Harry Potter book." She sighed wistfully, then had an idea. "Duh, I'm a fanfiction author! I'll just write myself into a Harry Potter book and defeat Lord Voldemort! No, wait, then I might die…I'll send a Mary-Sue in for me! She'll protect Harry, save Cedric—get me a date with him—and slay Voldemort with a chocolate-coated banana! Nothing can possibly go wrong!"

But something would go very, very wrong indeed…

"Hey! Did you just use dramatic foreshadowing?" the author snapped, "What did I tell you about using dramatic foreshadowing? You're fired again, narrative!" The vague narrative is vaguely mad. It will now vaguely go on another vaguely vague strike. Vague vague vague vague vague vague…

"_Noooooooooooo_!"


	3. To the Fanfic Mobile!

_I do not own Harry Potter, a brother named Iggy, Lord of the Rings, High School Musical, Baywatch,__ Batman__, or Frankenstein._

After a long negotiation involving picket fences and an obsession with the word 'vague', the third-person omniscient narrative and the author came to an agreement. The narrative would allow the story to progress as the author planned, but the narrative was allowed to use the word 'vague' exactly thirty-eight times in the rest of the vague chapter.

"Just so you know, those first two v-words you said count!" the author called to the narrative. They did not. "They do too!" They did not. "They do, and now you only have thirty-five v-words left!" That was vaguely frustrating. "Thirty-four!" The narrative began muttering vague swear words. "Thirty-three! All right, back to what's really important in this story: Me!" The author sat on her bed, thinking. "Now, I'll need some help in order to animate my Sue…" The author then got a brilliant idea. "Iggy!" she yelled, calling for her brother.

"Oh, no!" Iggy shouted back, "I'm not going in there! I heard the narrative use dramatic foreshadowing back in Chapter 2! Something bad always happens when it uses dramatic foreshadowing! And why did it keep saying 'vague', anyways?"

"It's a long story, and if you don't help me I'll tell Mom about that Lord of the Rings/High School Musical crossover you caused last week!"

"No fair! I was only trying to introduce basketball to Middle Earth!" he vaguely protested.

"Frodo, Sam, and Gollum sang 'We're All in This Together' as they snuck into Mordor and got captured by Sauran, who used the ring to return to power! And if that weren't bad enough, Sauran had his army of orcs sing a rousing rendition of 'Fabulous' as he executed them!" the author shouted back.

"I _thought_ it was the DVD of the Knicks game, ok? It's not my fault Lizzie taped High School Musical over it!"

"Hey, you know the rules. Mom said no Lord of the Rings crossovers unless Legolas and Aragorn 'accidentally' got sent into _Baywatch_." The author pulled out her cell phone. "Hey, Mom, just thought you should know, Iggy-"

Iggy ran into the author's room and grabbed for the cell phone. "Why can't you ask your friends to help you?"

The author rolled her eyes. "Inky always messes stuff up. Do you know how many times I've entered the Potterverse only to find that Inky keeps adding lines from Shakespeare to it? 'But soft, what light through yonder cauldron breaks?/It is the east, and Voldemort is the sun'. Because of course that always makes for a thrilling duel. And Pinky has been even more angsty than usual since Sue became cancerous. And of course, if Pinky can't come, Sue can't come."

"What about Agent Blinky?"

"There was an incident. I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"Fine! I give up!" Iggy sighed. "What do you want me to do?"

"I'm sending a Mary-Sue into the Potterverse. I need you to help me animate it."

"I thought all you had to do to make a Sue was write about them," Iggy said questioningly.

"Please," the author snorted, "Those only come with a two-week warranty. If you want to get a lifetime guarantee, you've got to make the Sue yourself. Now, we'll need an animation device and some Mary-Sue brains."

"Where are you going to find those?" Iggy asked.

"Dr. Frankenstein's lab," the author said, picking up her copy of _The Goblet of Fire_ and a DVD. Then she stopped, thinking. "You know, Iggy, it's weird. The narrative hasn't used any of its thirty-three remaining v-words since the beginning of the chapter. I wonder why." She shrugged. "Oh well. To the Fanfic-Mobile!" she cried, as the third person narrative began the Batman theme song.

Vague-vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague-FAN-FIC!

"-What the-" the author said, "Oh no." She plugged her ears and began to chant loudly, "La-la-la-la-la-I'm-not-listening-la-la-la-la-la…"

Vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague- vague-FAN-FIC!

The author unplugged her ears. "Is it over?" she asked. _VAGUE!_ "Ah!" she screamed. Then she listened to see if the narrative used the v-word any more. There was silence. "Okay," the author said, "Now that we've got that over with, to the Fanfic-Mobile!" She walked over to her closet door and opened it. Iggy was amazed to find that was the size of an airplane hangar.

"Man, your closet is _huge_!" Iggy marveled.

"No, not really," the author said, "Most girls' closets are a lot bigger. Mine's tiny in comparison." She approached a large convertible car in the center of the closet. She jumped into the driver's seat and started the engine.

As he climbed into the passenger seat, Iggy told the author, "You know, sis, you don't need a dumb 'Fanfic-Mobile' to enter a book. You just write yourself inside."

"I know, but this car makes me feel like a superhero! I'm like Batman!" the author cried, "Hey, I guess that makes you Robin!"

"Hey!" Iggy snapped, "I'm not your sidekick!"

"No, you're right," the author corrected, "I'm sorry. You're my butler!"

"Ugh!" Iggy grunted, "You're hopeless!" Then, as she put the car into drive, he asked worriedly, "Do you even know how to drive?"

"Nope!" Then she slammed her foot on the gas pedal and the Fanfic-mobile zapped them inside Mary Shelley's story.


	4. Enter: The Sue

_I do not own __Harry Potter, a brother named Iggy, Frankenstein__ the Wizard of Oz,__ the Princess Bride,__ or Suewarts__ And yes, I know that's not really what happened in Frankenstein, but it's funnier this way._

There was a bright flash of light as the Fanfic-Mobile materialized within _Frankenstein_. "Land!" Iggy cried jumping out of the car as soon as he could, "Sweet, sweet land!"

"I wasn't _that_ bad at driving," the author pouted.

"Please. You are the worst driver I have ever met," Iggy retorted. The author stuck out her tongue at him, then looked around her.

The two siblings were in a dank dungeon scene. Gray chairs were placed on floors of a slightly varying shade of gray, while dark gray manacles were attached to dark gray walls which looked almost exactly like the first shade of gray, but were a bit deeper in hue and almost more shadowy than the others, but not like wolf gray at all, almost silvery, in fact, with shadows that were still kind of grayish, but kind of like a charcoal-looking gray.

"This doesn't look anything like the book," Iggy commented, staring at his now pale, but not sickly, gray hands, which were somewhat like the gray walls, except that his hands looked a sort of fleshy gray instead of looking like grey stone.

"Mom took it on her quest to find the true writer of Shakespeare's plays," the author shrugged, "I used the movie. So sue me." She put on a lab coat and goggles. "We just need a body and a brain. I'll draw the schematics for the Sue Animation machine." She opened her backpack and pulled out a gray piece of paper and a gray pen only a half a shade lighter than the first gray, but not at all shiny like ink should be. She began to write something on the paper. Then she stopped as she realized that the gray ink, being only half a shade lighter than the first gray, was invisible on the gray paper. "Aw, man! I knew I should have used the color version of the movie!" She pulled out the DVD case and took out the other disk. There was another flash of light, and suddenly there was color everywhere.

"Now," the author muttered, "We just take Dr. Frankenstein's animation machine, put the body on it…" She got a department store manikin out of the Fanfic-Mobile's trunk and strapped it to the stretcher.

"Our Sue is a manikin?" Iggy asked, scorn in his voice.

"I'm sorry," the author snapped, "If you want to sneak into a graveyard and steal a rotting corpse, be my guest!" She put on a lab coat and goggles, then messed up her hair so that it practically stood on end. "Now, Iggy!" the author cried as lightning flashed, "Get me brains!" She then collapsed with laughter.

The joke was wasted on Iggy. "You've been waiting to say that since we got here," he accused.

"I'm a parody writer," she said, flattening out her hair and nursing her injured pride, "We've got nothing else to do but think up corny puns."

Iggy didn't hear this, however. "And, aside from my name, do I bear any resemblance to an Igor?" he continued, oblivious to his sister, "Please, that's offensive!"

"Iggy, Iggy!" the author called, "We've got work to do!"

"I mean, come on, people!" Iggy moped, "I'm don't have a hunchback, I don't have a lisp, I don't limp, I'm no good at sneaking or being stealthy!" Iggy paced in depression and consequently fell over a bench full of scrap metal, causing a loud din of clanging and clattering. "You see!" he shouted, "No sense of stealth!"

The author rolled her eyes. "Are you just going to stand there, wallowing in your own pathos, or are you going to get me those brains?"

"All right, all right!" Iggy walked over to the table with the jars of brains. "How does Dr. Frankenstein have these Sue brains, anyways?" he asked the author while looking for the correct brains.

"They were the founders of Suewarts. Their brains were donated to Frankenstein after their deaths," the author answered.

"Why would four witches donate their brains to a mad scientist?"

"'Donated', 'had stolen from their grave'," the author murmured, "Either way, they're here now, and we're going to make the most of it."

"All right," Iggy sighed, "Which one do you want: Serena Sparklypoo, Bonnie Bitchiwitch, Trixie Tootsietramp, or Quilla Qanonreip?"

"Serena," the author suggested, "She's really smart, and has wicked awesome powers that are sure to help Harry defeat You-Know-Who three books early." Iggy brought over the jar labeled, 'Serena Sparklypoo.' The author inserted the brain in the open head of the manikin. "Now, let's make us a Mary-Sue!" the author screamed. Working together, they pulled down a large lever that turned on the machine, ready to animate their Sue. Lightning flashed in the background. Nothing happened.

"What's wrong with the machine?" Iggy asked the author.

"I don't know," she said, looking over the machine, "It should have worked—oh, I see. We forgot to put the batteries in."

"It runs on _batteries_? Isn't it supposed to be powered by lightning?"

"Nope. The lightning's just for dramatic effect," the author told him.

"But batteries hadn't even been invented when _Frankenstein_ took place!" Iggy protested.

"Neither had DVD's," the author pointed out.

"That's true."

"Now, we just need fifty double-A batteries," the author said, "Iggy, do you have fifty double-A's on you?"

"Oh, sure, of course, I always carry at least fifty-five—No, I don't have fifty double-A's!" Iggy screamed.

"Geez, you don't have to be so cranky about it!" The author reached into her pockets. "I've got a rubber band, two paper clips, a penny, and a stick of gum." She then reached into the battery compartment and began to do something inside it.

"What are you doing?" Iggy asked.

"Powering the machine."

"You can't power a machine with a rubber band, two paper clips, and a penny!"

"And a stick of gum," the author reminded him.

"Whatever," Iggy said, "My point is, you'd have to be some sort of mad genius to be able to-"

"Done!" the author said, and turned on the machine. Electricity raced through the dummy on the operating table.

"Of course," Iggy said, "My little sister's a full-fledged mad scientist and I'm just her hunchbacked assistant."

The manikin was jerking on the operating table. "It's alive!" the author cried. The body was morphing and changing before them, from a plastic manikin to a living, breathing Sue. Then, the electricity stopped.

The straps on Serena burst open. Serena stood up. She was fourteen, just the right age to join Harry's year during the _Goblet of Fire_. She looked stunningly beautiful and was wearing a designer wardrobe, accented with deep blue eyes that held a tragic past, which were already turning into emerald orbs, and long blond curls with a single lock of pink, with curves in all the right places.

"Okay, okay!" Iggy interrupted, "Why is the narrative using played-out clichés?"

"She's a Sue, Iggy," the author told him, exasperated, "They're always described with played-out clichés."

"Oh."

"Hi!" Serena gushed, "My name's Serena, and I can't wait to go to Hogwarts and help Harry with the Triwizard Tournament!"

"Awesome. All I want you to do is protect Harry and Cedric from Voldemort throughout the course of the book, no matter what. Now," the author said, holding up _The Goblet of Fire_, "to the Fanfic-Mobile!"

As they climbed in the Fanfic-Mobile, Serena asked the author, "Can I drive?"

"_Please_,can she drive?" Iggy begged.

"I'm sorry Serena, but this is my car, and I'm driving!" the author told her.

"Please?" Serena asked, flashing a Sue-smile at the author. Now, a Sue-smile is a Sue's greatest weapon. It makes established characters act out of character, it causes them to immediately believe anything the Sue says, no matter how outrageous, and, most importantly, it makes them do whatever the Sue wants. The process caused by a Sue-smile is called Sueification.

"Sorry, Serena," the author said, "I'm a fanfiction author. I'm immune to your powers of Sueification."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Serena said, grinning, "I didn't mean to try to Sueify you." But as the author turned on the radio, a look of annoyance flashed across Serena's face. The author didn't hear the narrative over the music. The narrative said, _a look of annoyance flashed across Serena's face_. The author still didn't hear. The narrative gave up. The author would find out soon enough. But since the author couldn't hear the narrative…

Vague, vague, vague, vague, vague, vague, vague-

"-I heard that!" the author told the narrative.

Darn.


	5. Don't Worry, Mione!

_I do not own Harry Potter__ or Lord of the Rings__ Slight __OOTP/__HBP/DH spoiler warning._

There was another flash of light, and the author, her brother, and Serena arrived all in the Great Hall. As the author parked the car and Iggy ran off to puke, Serena walked over to Professor Dumbledore.

"Professor," she said, "I'm from the most advanced school of magic in the United States, although I've also lived in Japan and France. My family was slaughtered by dark forces even more powerful than Voldemort, so I was forced to flee to England. May I enroll here at Hogwarts, even though I've already got an Outstanding in every N.E.W.T. level subject?" She smiled a Sue-smile at him.

"Of course you may," Professor Dumbledore said, already affected by her stunning Sue-smile.

Serena turned away, then turned back to him and said, conspiratorially, "And I want you to introduce me first, to the entire school, because I'm so special you want to make a huge fuss over me."

"Of course," Dumbledore obliged. He turned to the students. "Before we sort the first-years, I'd like to introduce a very special student. She is the most talented person I have ever met, and she will be joining us this year. Please," he said to Serena, "introduce yourself."

Serena faced the audience, "My name is Princess Serena Opalescent Morgan Aria Nadia Yuki Borealis Lilac Odette Oriole Diamond Yoko Amethyst Wren Faye Unique Lumina Maria Aurora Rhiannon Yori Susan Unity Emiko Sparklypoo. I really hope I can make friends with each and every one of you during the school year."

When she put on the Sorting Hat, she flashed it a brief Sue-smile and told it to announce that she would be perfect in any house, that in fact, she should have her own house made just for her, and then to let her choose Gryffindor. The Hat did just that, and Serena pranced off to the Gryffindor table.

There was very little applause; the students in the audience were still very confused by Serena's ostentatious introduction. Hermione, over at the Gryffindor table, reached into her book bag and pulled out her copy of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_. "Well," Ron whispered, "does it say anything about a Sue coming to Hogwarts?"

"There's the announcement of the Triwizard Tournament, Dumbledore tells us about some surprise guests from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, but there's no Mary-Sue here," Hermione told him, "You'd know this if you read the chapter like you were supposed to, Ron!"

"So what's with the Sue?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, honestly," Hermione said, "Oh, wait, there's a fanfic author-" She pointed the author parking the Fanfic-Mobile in the corner of the Great Hall. "-let's ask her what's going on." They approached the author. "Excuse me. Is that your Sue up there?" Hermione asked, "I don't mean to be a bother, but a Sue at Hogwarts might not be the best idea."

The author smiled. "Oh, don't worry, Hermione, Serena may seem a little bit intimidating, but there's no harm to her. She's just here for laughs, and to help save Cedric in the climactic battle against Voldemort. Look over there." The author pointed. Serena was laughing with some fourth year Gryffindors, whom she had temporarily Sueified in order to make the author think that she was indeed perfectly harmless. And of course, since the author was too busy patting herself on the back to listen to the third-person omniscient narrative, she did not hear what the narrative just said about Serena's evilness, and told Hermione that Serena was, "Perfectly harmless."

-----

Now, as one can see because of the break above, a substantial amount of time has passed. The reason for this is that, frankly, nothing else was relevant before this, as all that had happened before this moment was that the author ate candy until she got sick, and Iggy followed Fleur Delacour around with metaphorical hearts flying around his head. The narrative did nothing but be shocked at how oblivious Iggy and the author were to the majority of the characters' growing resentment of the evil Serena Sparklypoo.

The story picks back up when people are putting their names in the Goblet of Fire. Everything was going exactly as the book dictated until Serena, holding a piece of parchment, walked towards the Age Line. Hermione hurried up to her, hoping to prevent any substantial changes to the storyline. "There's no way you're seventeen years old," Hermione told Serena, praying that Serena wouldn't enter the Triwizard Tournament, "I wouldn't cross that line."

"Don't worry, Mione," Serena said, "Dumbledore gave me permission." She stepped over the line and entered her name. She laughed and pranced away, leaving the Trio full of questions.

"Why would Dumbledore give Serena permission to enter the Tournament?" Hermione pondered.

"Why did Serena enter the tournament if she knew it would ruin the entire book?" Harry asked.

"Doesn't she know that the Triwizard Tournament will end in a battle to the death against Voldemort?" questioned Hermione.

"Isn't the Goblet bound to pick Serena, her being a Sue?" inquired Harry.

Ron spoke up. "Why do the Sues always call you 'Mione'?"

"That's a good point!" Hermione cried, "Why _do_ they always call me 'Mione'? Let's go talk to the author."

They found the author in the library. This was not because the author was particularly intelligent or had a great love of reading, but because she had left her collection of Chocolate Frog cards within the pages of one of the screaming books and she wanted it back. "We have a really important question to ask you," Hermione said when they found her.

"Yes?" the author asked, slamming shut the screaming book she held.

"This is life or death."

"I understand."

"Okay, the question is…why do Mary-Sues always call me 'Mione'?"

"Your name is too long for lazy fanfic authors to write. They decided to give you a nickname, and they picked 'Mione'. Is that all?"

"No, we have one more question. Again, this is life or death. This has to do with something that happened earlier today."

"Of course," the author said, understanding that this was obviously a crucial question.

"In Chapter 2, you said that only you could hear the third-person omniscient narrative, but in Chapter 3, Iggy could hear it using dramatic foreshadowing. How is that possible?"

"It's a continuity paradox. Those kinds of things happen all the time in fanfiction. Like the fact that you know what happened in Chapters 2 and 3 even though you weren't even in the story until Chapter 5."

"Oh!" Hermione cried in realization, "Like the fact that earlier in the chapter I called Voldemort by his real name, even though I don't work up the courage to do so until _The Order of the Phoenix_!" The author nodded. "All right," Hermione said, "That took care of all our important questions. Thanks."

"Oh, hey guys," Harry cut in, "We need to go to bed now."

"It's three in the afternoon!" the author exclaimed.

Harry nodded. "But the plot won't advance until we go to bed. And we're kind of in a hurry." The Trio walked off.

"Well looks like my job here in done," the author said, "I'm going on a coffee break." She then addressed the audience. "Don't worry, I hired a fill-in writer. Enjoy!"

_Disclaimer-__I would like to apologize if you recognize any traits of any characters of yours in Serena. That does not necessarily make your character a Mary-Sue, nor am I mocking you or your character. This is a parody, so I am taking the concept of a 'Mary-Sue' to the extreme. Please do not be offended._

_I would like to point out __that Serena's initials do indeed spell out SO-MANY-BLOODY-AWFUL-MARY-SUES. You were no__t hallucinating if you spotted __this, nor were you going insane (although, you probably are if you're reading this story. Hooray for insanity!)._


	6. omg serenas evul! :O

_I do not own Harry Potter__ or __Avril__Lavigne__. I apologize if any traits of your writing or characters are reflected in my story. I am not mocking you, or your writing style, or your characters.__ I also apologize in advance for the state of disarray the following paragraph is in. I assure you, that __is__ intentional__ If you need to, you can have the following paragraph translated from __Fangirlese__ into English in the last paragraph._

so serena waz all lyk "omg i just enterd the tri-wiz tornament, lyk yea" :D and evry1 waz lyk "serena ur so ttly cool and lyk stuff" :) so lyk when serena waz lyk alone, she waz all "yay im lyk so awesome and lyk evil and stuff. and lyk im gonna steal the harry poter series and lyk yea. im gonna b the new star of lyk, everything." :D then she lol-ed. and so when the cup of fire spat out the names it was lyk krum and lyk flur and lyk serena waz the hogwarts winnr insted of cedrik :o. and then it was lyk harry and evry1 was lyk "omg harry, y did u enter" :O and serena waz lyk "kick em out" :( becuz she waz lyk wanted 2 win so she b famus and stuff. so lyk serena was all lyk sueness ;) to dumbeldorr and he waz all "yea, harry, u cant do the tri-wiz tornament becuz ur a cheetr" so then the hufflpuffs got mad :( and harry and ron and mione got mad :( and moody but not really moody got mad :( and lyk krum and flur and madame m and karkroft got mad :( and bagman got mad :( and evry1 got mad :( and went lyk 2 the coffy place 2 lyk attak the auther. and the auther waz all lyk "y r u so mad at me" :o and the huflepuffs were lyk "cedrik waz supposed 2 b the hogwarts winner and lyk u stol r huffelpuf honer" :( and harry and ron and mione were lyk "yea and harry waznt suposed 2 b kickd out of the tri-wiz. and serenas better than mione at skool and stuff" :( and moody but not relly moody sed "and she ruind my evil plot and lyk the plot cant move on and lyk voldimorts gonna kill me" :( and lyk krum and flur and madame m and karkroft were lyk "we cant win gainst a sue cuz shes perfect and stuff." :( and bagman waz lyk "i lost me monie and the goblens will kill me" :( and then some randm persen i no care abt sez "and ur fill-in auther rites realy wierd and stuff!" omg u must di, randm persen :o then the randm person dyd and i waz lyk ttly yay and lol and stuff ;D.

Then the regular author took command, and everyone ceased speaking in text language. Except for Biff, the cell phone wizard. "omg," Biff texted, "that waz ttly fun, ttyl."

"Now," the author said, "what happened?"

"Serena entered the Triwizard Tournament and got selected for Hogwarts," Hermione told her.

"What! Why didn't you tell me she entered?"

"We had more pressing issues," Hermione said, "Like why Sues always call me 'Mione'."

The author sighed. "I'm sure she didn't mean any harm. I'll just talk Serena into dropping out of the tournament, ok?" the author called out to the crowd. After they had all left, she muttered, "_After _my coffee break." She then turned to the barista, Curly, and calmly resumed the deeply intelligent and philosophical discussion they were engaged in before the interruption.

"I'm telling, you, dammit! Gorillas are allergic to almond-sprinkled bananas!" the author shouted.

"And I'm telling _you_ that they are so _not_!" The narrative would like to point out that it tries so hard to make the author look good, and then the author has to ruin it.

"They are, _too_!"

"Are _not_! They're allergic to chocolate-coated bananas, which is why we work so god-damn hard to make chocolate-coated-banana bazookas for use in gorilla warfare in our CCBBRWIGWTSUL in New York City!"

"They are _so_ not!" The author took a sip of her coffee. "And this coffee is _decaf_! _DECAF_!"

The author and Curly, the barista, continued to argue loudly and rudely until the narrative requested silence. If the narrative could make a suggestion, it thought they ought to simply dip the bananas in cyanide and cease their useless bickering.

"Cyanide," Curly pondered, "That's not a bad idea."

"Yeah," the author agreed, "All our fighting was completely pointless." She took another sip of her coffee. "But this crap is still _decaf_, dammit!"

The narrative sighed, and mercifully switched paragraphs.

-----

After an inexplicably long coffee break that lasted for several weeks, almost until the day of the first task, the author she returned to Hogwarts. She found Iggy standing near Fleur Delacour with a metaphorical heart floating above his head. The author sighed, and pulled out a metaphorical pin. With the metaphorical pin she popped the metaphorical heart above Iggy's head. "Come on," she said as she dragged Iggy away, "We need to have a talk with Serena."

They found an empty room where they wouldn't attract any attention, and the author shouted, "Serena! We need to talk to you!" She knew Serena's sorceress blood would allow her to hear her name even when she was on the other side of the Hogwarts grounds.

Serena Apparated into the room as soon the author finished speaking. "Y-"

"-Hang on," Iggy said, "How can she Apparate inside Hogwarts? Is that a continuity paradox?"

"Ahem," Serena tried to bring attention back to herself, but to no avail.

"It's not a continuity paradox," the author whispered to Iggy, "She has the ability to Apparate even from within Hogwarts. It comes from her Veela lineage."

"Ahem!"

"I don't remember Veelas being able to Apparate inside Hogwarts," Iggy said.

"I know," the author told him, "_That's_ the continuity paradox."

"_Ahem_!" They turned towards her. "Yes?" she said as if she had not been interrupted, smiling a vivid Sue-smile.

"Why did you enter the Triwizard Tournament?" the author asked, suspicious of Serena's motives.

"Oh, that," Serena replied knowingly, "I won't tell you if _he's_ around." She glared at Iggy.

"Oh, no, Serena," the author said, "Iggy's not leaving."

"Fine," Serena shrugged, "Then I guess I won't get to tell you how you can take Cedric to the Yule Ball."

The author visibly brightened. "Iggy, why don't you go outside? This is girl talk."

"Cedric?" Iggy asked, "As in Cedric Diggory?" He sighed loudly. "Oh, this is just great," Iggy said, "So this whole charade is just about another one of your childish crushes? That so figures. Well, I'm not leaving, no matter what you say!"

The author gasped, pointing out the window. "Is that Roger Davies asking Fleur Delacour to the Yule Ball?"

"What!" Iggy screamed, running out of the room.

With a swish of her wand, Serena locked the door. She turned to the author. "They haven't even announced the Yule Ball yet," Serena commented.

"I know." The author laughed. "Now, why exactly did you enter the Triwizard Tournament?"

"Because," Serena said serenely, "you told me to protect Harry and Cedric from Voldemort. And the best way to do that is to stop them from entering the Tournament."

"True," the author admitted, "but I think you should at least let Harry compete in the Tournament."

"Why?"

"…Because that way he can stop Voldemort in the graveyard scene and win the Tournament." The author shrugged. "So the story can progress as planned. You can just keep him from getting hurt while he does all the stuff he's supposed to do."

"Like save the day from Voldemort and win the entire Tournament?" Serena asked, a cold look in her eyes.

"Exactly." The author was a little nervous about Serena's sudden iciness.

"Have you ever asked yourself why it's always Harry who gets to do everything?" Serena said, "Poor Mary-Sues like me can't ever do anything because Harry always beats us to it."

"That's kind of because it's the _Harry Potter_ series," the author replied, "J. K. Rowling called it the _Harry Potter_ series because it stars_ Harry Potter_."

"Yes, but you're so much more talented than J. K. Rowling," Serena told the author, "Why can't your Mary-Sue be the star? Imagine it, _Serena __Sparklypoo__ and the Goblet of Fire_! It's so much better than dumb old Harry doing everything important." She smiled a Super-Sue-Smile, a powerful Sue-smile Serena had invented for just the purpose of Sueifying the author.

"Yeah, that would be pretty cool," the author said, already beginning to fall under the spell of the Super-Sue-Smile, "But if you kill Voldemort now, how will you continue the series?"

"I won't kill him," Serena assured the author, "I'll just weaken him a little. He'll flee and I'll return to Hogwarts as more of a hero than Harry Potter ever was. And I'll make everything happen as they did in the original series. I'll bring Harry and Cedric to the graveyard, and after Voldemort flees, Cedric will have a horrible, _tragic_ accident." The author stirred from her trance for a moment at this comment, but Serena was too caught up in giving her long, evil monologue to notice. "I'll bring Cedric's corpse back to Hogwarts, but I'm afraid Harry will simply bleed to death in that graveyard." The author was twitching now, but the narrative was thankful that Serena was oblivious to everything happening around her. She continued, "That way I don't have to worry about him messing things up for me."

"_You promised_!" the author cried, snapping out of her Sueification, "You promised you'd protect Harry and Cedric!"

Serena looked unsettled that her Super-Sue-Smile hadn't worked, but she soon recovered. "I promised I'd keep Harry and Cedric save _from __Voldemort_," she said, "I never said I wouldn't harm them myself."

"You tried to Sueify me, so that I'd help you with your…_evil_ plans!" the author said, finally catching on. The narrative told her so. "Oh, shut up, narrative!"

"Well, I know you can't stop me," Serena laughed.

"Oh, yes I can!" the author cried. "Narrative!" she ordered, "End the story!"

Serena gasped. "You wouldn't! You'd force yourself to immediately exit the fanfic! You'd lose your one chance to date Cedric!" Serena was genuinely afraid.

"I'd do it if it meant making sure you couldn't enact your evil plot! Mary-Sues don't exist once the story is over, and unless I decide to put in the sequel, you'll simply fade out of existence! Say sayonara, Sue! Hey," she giggled, "I thought of a witty comeback!"

Serena thought fast, then had a brilliant idea. "You'd lose your Chocolate Frog card collection!" she cried.

The author paused for a moment. "I don't want to lose my collection…" she mused to herself. Serena took that opportunity to Sueify the narrative. The narrative soon was put into a tran…

"I don't want to lose my collection, but I'll do it if it means putting a stop to you, Serena! Narrative, end the story _now_!"

**THE…**

"Well? What are you waiting for? End it!"

**THE…**

"What's going on?"

**THE…**

**THE…**

Serena, the most beautiful, kind, and talented person in the whole world laughed sweetly. Her voice was as melodious as a chorus of angels and her smile illuminated the entire world.

The author, who was incredibly mediocre by comparison, gasped. "You Sueified the narrative! Okay, Serena, you have officially crossed the line! You are in so much trouble, I-"

"Oh, sweet narrative," the seraphim Serena cooed, "Can we give this poor girl some privacy?"

The author began walking towards the closet. "Why are my feet moving?" the author asked. "I don't want my feet to move! Stop moving, feet! I said, _stop it_!" The author walked into the closet. The luminous Serena waved her wand and the closet door closed and locked itself, for she was the most talented witch in the world. "Let me out of here! You can't do this, Serena!"

"Oh, but I can," Serena, the most perfect person in the entire world, said, "Now that I control the narrative, I can do anything I want. But first…" She picked up her copy of _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ and swished her wand over it. The title now read, _Serena __Sparklypoo__ and the Goblet of Fire_. "Bwa-ha-ha-ha!" Serena cried, "Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-_ha_!"

The author's voice could be heard through the closet door. "'Bwa-ha-ha'? My god, Serena, that is _so_ cliché."

_Okay, for those of you who needed a translation from __Fangirlese__ to English, here it __is_

_1. Serena entered the __Triwizard__ Tournament. Everyone thought she was cool._

_2. She was really evil (no, duh!) and wanted to be the star of the H__arry __P__otter__ series._

_3. She was picked as the Hogwarts champion instead of Cedric, and she got Harry disqualified._

_4. The __Hufflepuffs__, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fake Moody, Krum, Fleur, Madame __Maxime__Karkaroff__, Bagman, and everyone else they ever met in every story ever got mad at Serena._

_5. They went to Starbucks to complain to the author._

_6. A random person complained about the fill-in writer's inferior ability and died. The fill-in writer was most pleased._

_By the way, if anyone is interested, Serena's wand is made from the wood of the mythical Tree of Life, sprinkled with __stardust,__ the core combining the twin powers of a sunbeam and a moonbeam, the tip filled the light of the morning star. (Plus, it's also a magical iPod that works at Hogwarts! It can store a trillion songs (all __Avril__Lavigne__) and can play music videos, too!)_

_Just so you know__ I do not have anything against __Avril__Lavigne. __Her music rocks.__ When it's used in a __fanfic__, however…_


	7. No, I'm Sirius!

_I do not own Harry Potter, Alvin and the Chipmunks, or The Guinness Book of World Records. I apologize if any traits of your writing or characters are reflected in my story. I am not mocking you, or your writing style, or your characters. I also apologize if you feel insulted by the character Blaise Zambini. Again, I am not mocking your character or you. Also, I do not approve of Pansy-bashing in regular fanfiction, but for a parody, it's fair game. Minor HBP spoiler._

In the Great Hall, Harry was talking to Ron and Hermione. Serena walked over to them, her beauty unsurpassed by any in the world. "Harry, I'm afraid I'm demoting you to a minor character," she said without ado.

"You can't do that!" Harry said, taken aback, "It's _my_ series!"

"Not anymore, Harry." Radiant Serena showed him the new title of the book. "I'm taking your place." Serena, the angel of gloriousness, smiled.

"You can't make me a minor character, Serena!" Harry yelled at the wonderful Serena, "I'm serious!"

"No!" Sirius Black said, popping up beside them. "_I'm_ Sirius!" Everyone in Hogwarts groaned at the corniness of this pun.

"For the last time, Sirius!" Remus Lupin, who also popped up beside Ron, Hermione, and Harry, told him, "That joke is not funny!" Then the two disappeared as quickly as they came.

Harry, slightly startled by his godfather suddenly appearing and stating a corny pun, said, "Hermione, Ron, help me out here! Tell Serena she can't demote me!"

"My _god_, Harry, you're a minor character?" Hermione asked, appalled. "We can't be seen with minor characters! Serena, we want to be your friends!" Hermione and Ron ran over to Serena, the most extraordinary girl in the world.

"Oh, I'm sorry, guys," Serena, the sweetest of all Mary-Sues, gushed, "but I can't be seen with any minor characters."

"But we're not minor!" Hermione shrieked. "What's-his-scar over there is minor, but we're two major characters!" 

"If you're taking what's-his-scar's place," Ron told her, "Then that means you also need two best friends to be main characters."

"That's us!" Hermione said.

"Not anymore," Serena's wonderful voice chanted. She gestured to the two girls standing next to her. "These are _my_ best friends: Pansy Parkinson, and Blaise Zambini."

"Isn't Blaise a boy?" Ron asked, puzzled.

"And why is his—her—name misspelled?" Hermione questioned.

"I decided their characters were a little boring," Serena, perfection incarnate, informed them, "So I did what most fanfiction authors do and made Blaise a girl, misspelled her name, and turned Pansy into a total cow."

"Oh my god, Hermione," Pansy said in a high-pitched voice, "Who could ever think you're pretty? A chipmunk, maybe?" She laughed nasally.

"To be honest," Hermione muttered, rolling her eyes, "I don't see much of a difference in Pansy."

A voice interrupted her murmurs. "Hey, beautiful!" Alvin, Simon, and Theodore appeared next to Hermione suddenly. "What are you doing Friday night?"

Serena ignored the three talking chipmunks. "So, now that you two are minor characters, I can't be friends with you," Serena, the epitome of ideals, told Ron and her, "So I guess you're stuck with what's-his-scar over there. Bye!"

"So…er…Harry, mate," Ron said awkwardly, "Are we friends again?"

"Are you serious?" Harry shouted.

"No!" Sirius said, popping up beside them, "_I'm_ Sirius!"

Everyone at Hogwarts groaned again.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Sirius?" Remus cried, popping up next to them, "That is not funny!" They disappeared.

There was a brief silence. Then Harry yelled, "I'm still mad at you guys! You betrayed me for a Mary-Sue!"

"We did not!" Ron yelled.

"You did too!"

"Look!" Hermione said, "What we did or didn't do isn't important right now. What is important is stopping Serena so we can be main characters again!"

"She has a point," Ron said.

"All right," Harry agreed, "How do we stop Serena?"

"I'll go to the library and find lots of useless trivia about Mary-Sues!" Hermione cried.

"And I'll come with you acting dumb and providing comedy relief!" Ron cried.

"And I'll go angst about this awful twist of fate to anyone who'll listen!" Harry cried.

The Trio split up, ready to use their combined talents of useless trivia, comedy relief, and angstiness to defeat the perfect Serena Sparklypoo.

-----

The Trio met back in the Great Hall a few hours later, excited by the amount of progress they had made.

"I found this!" Hermione said excitedly, holding up a book, "It's called _The Mary-Sue Book of World Records_! It's full of pointless Mary-Sue trivia which has nothing to do with our current problem!"

"And I forgot how to spell 'Mary-Sue' and knocked over a huge shelf of books!" Ron exclaimed.

"And I angsted about my life to Neville, Fred, George, Colin, Nearly-Headless Nick, and Professor Snape!" Harry cried.

"How did that go?" Ron asked.

"I got detention with Snape for a month!"

"Great!" Hermione said, "We're doing so well defeating Serena Sparklypoo!" The Trio cheered about a job well done.

-----

"No, _I'm _Sir-" Sirius Black looked around and sighed. Hogwarts was empty, and there was no one around to hear his wonderful, wonderful joke.


	8. Cash, Please

_I do not own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or the Guinness Book of World Records. I am not mocking you, your characters, or your writing. Et cetera._

_Also, I'm sorry it took so long to update, but I had to work on a few more chapter in my other work, 'Mudbloods and Slytherin Snobs', but I think I'm on track now._

"Did you know that the tallest Mary-Sue was six feet and seven inches tall?" Hermione asked Ron and Harry, reading from _The Mary-Sue Book of World Records_.

"No, I didn't," Harry told her, an angsty look on his face, "Did you know that my life is full of more angst than usual? I have to defeat Lord Voldemort, save the wizarding world, get a girlfriend, cope with the loss of parents, and now I'm a minor character! Oh, woe is me!"

"No, I had no idea," Hermione replied, "Did you know that the largest collection of Mary-Sues consist of five hundred and three various Mary-Sues?"

"No," Harry said, "Did you know that I have such an awful life? My parents are gone, I've been demoted, I'm an orphan, my mom and dad are dead, and I'm full of wizard angst!"

"Did you two know that, for some unexplainable reason, several months have passed in the last week, and the third task is tomorrow?" Ron asked Harry and Hermione.

"Well, _duh_, Ron, everyone knows that!" Hermione said. An owl flew in front of her, dropping the Daily Prophet on top of her plate. "The Daily Prophet's here!" she exclaimed.

"Are there any jobs available?" Ron asked, "Because even though I have no shame in being poor, I spend almost as much time angsting about my poverty as Harry does about the fact that he's an orphan!"

"Ron, you're supposed to be acting stupid," Hermione said, "You're not supposed to know what poverty means!"

"And that reminds me!" Harry said, "I forgot to angst about being dirt poor!"

"But, Harry, you're not poor!" Ron cried.

"So?"

"Will you two knock it off?" Hermione asked as she read the Prophet. The headline read:

**MARY-SUE AMOK: FANFICTION AUTHOR TO BLAME!**

**Angry Mob Seeks Vengeance**

"Hey guys, where _is _the fanfiction author anyways?" Harry asked.

"She's probably hiding from that angry mob," Hermione answered, looking at the classifieds, "I wonder where she is, though. I hope it's somewhere safe. Oh, look, Ron, here's one you could do, 'Third-

person omniscient narrative wanted to temporarily replace Sue-ified narrative. Payment negotiable. If interested, please contact: Fanfiction Author, Locked Closet, Third Floor, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry'."

"That doesn't really seem like something I could do," Ron replied, "I do wonder where the fanfiction author is, too. Do you have any idea where she could be, Hermione?"

"Not a clue."

Meanwhile, Iggy was talking to Fleur Delacour. "Then I said to the balrog 'You shall not pass!'" Iggy lied, "Then, I slammed down the Wand of Merlin and my mighty strength alone was enough to crumble the bridge within the Mines of Moria. Then the balrog plummeted deep into the dark abyss, never to be seen again."

"Oh, Iggy," Fleur gushed, "'Oo are so brave. I 'ave never 'eard of zis 'bow-rog'. Ees eet dangerous?"

"Oh, yeah," Iggy said, "_Really_ dangerous. It's a dangerous job, slaying balrogs. But somebody's got to do it."

"Oh, 'oo are a 'ero, Iggy. Eef eet ees not too much trouble, may I see zis 'Wand of Merlin'?"

"Um…you could," Iggy floundered, "But…you can't. I…um…donated it to charity?"

"Oh, Iggy!" Fleur exclaimed, "'Oo are so generous. 'Oo are always zinking of ozers!"

"Yeah, I know," Iggy said, "I'm a giver."

"Iggy," Fleur asked, "Can 'oo do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Can 'oo kill zat Mary-Sue Sereena Sparkleepoo?" Fleur asked, "She ees evil and she ees ruining my chances of winning ze Triwizard Cup!"

"Well…" Iggy said, taken aback, "I don't know. It's my sister's Mary-Sue and she's never forgiven me for the time I broke the last one."

"Please, Iggy?" Fleur batted her eyes at him. "I'm sure 'oo can do zis. 'Oo are so strong and manly."

"I-I-I-" Iggy stuttered, blushing furiously, "I-I'll-I'll go ask her."

Fleur smiled, "Oh, zank 'oo, Iggy! I knew I could count on 'oo!"

"Don't mention it." Iggy began to look for anyone who might know where his sister was. "Hey!" Iggy shouted as he ran up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione's table, "Have you guys seen my sister?"

"Did you _read_ the beginning of the chapter?" Hermione asked him, "We don't know." She then turned to Ron. "Oh, here's another one, 'Locksmith needed to open locked closet on third floor to rescue trapped fanfiction author. Payment negotiable. If interested please unlock: Fanfiction Author, Locked Closet, Third Floor, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry'."

Iggy sighed. "I'll be right back." He ran to the third floor, and heard the fanfiction author pounding on the closet door.

"Somebody let me out of here!" she shouted. Iggy walked over and opened the door. "Oh, thank god! I've spent all my allowance posting ads hoping _somebody_ would see them and let me out of here!"

"How can you post an ad in the Daily Prophet," Iggy asked, puzzled, "if you couldn't get out of the closet?"

"Continuity paradox," the author answered.

"Ah." Iggy stopped the author as she was about to exit the closet. "Now, about my fee."

"Iggy, we've got bigger things to worry about," the author said, "Serena's Sueified the narrative and wants to take over the Harry Potter series! She's evil!"

"This is a quality lock," Iggy said, ignoring her, "I'm guessing it'd be worth somewhere around, oh, thirty or forty dollars for breaking you out of here."

"Iggy, we're in a crisis!" the author cried, "Now give me your cellphone! I need to make a call."

"That'll cost you extra," Iggy reminded her, "About five bucks plus roaming charges and long-distance fees. And there's the matter of my expenses."

"Expenses?" the author protested, "You turned a doorknob! How does that entail expenses?"

"I'll take cash or checks," Iggy continued, "So that's fifty dollars for the job, plus fifteen for the phone, plus thirty for expenses, so let's see, I'm no math genius, but that's two hundred dollars right there."

"You can't charge _me_!" the author yelled, "I'm family!"

"You're right," Iggy said, "I'll give you the family discount. Half price, so that's three hundred dollars right there." He held out his hand. "Pay up."

"Well, I spent all my allowance on the ads anyways, so I can't pay you," the author smirked, leaning on the wall of the closet, "Ha! What are you going to do about that?"

Iggy slammed the closet door shut and locked it.

"No fair, Iggy! I am _so_ telling Mom about this! She's going to ground for a _month_ if you don't let me out of here _right now_! Iggy! _Iggy_!"


	9. We Interrupt this Program

_I do not own Harry Potter, Star Trek, or Prozac. I am not making fun of you, your character, or your fanfic. I'm also very sorry if you support HP/DM. It just so happens that I do not._

"What are we going to do?" Harry angsted, "The Triwizard Tournament is today, and if we don't stop Serena soon, I'll be a minor character forever! How can we stop someone as all-powerful as Serena?"

"I don't know," Hermione said, "None of these books says anything about how to stop a Mary-Sue. There are spells for changing the color of a Mary-Sue's eyes, spells for lengthening a Mary-Sue's hair, spells to make Mary-Sues cry one single dramatic tear…Oh!" she suddenly cried, "Look at this!" Harry and Ron crowded around her. "'Mary-Suzac'," she read, "'guaranteed to turn you into a Mary-Sue or your money back. Just send five easy payments of nine Galleons and four Knuts, and you too can be a Mary-Sue."

"That's perfect!" Harry exclaimed, "If _I_ became a Mary-Sue, I could defeat Serena and become a major character again!"

Hermione continued reading aloud, "'Side effects may include: drowsiness, dizziness, sore throat, finding out you're actually Voldemort's child, fever, irreversibly turning into a girl because of a spell cast upon you when you were born, runny nose, lusting after Draco Malfoy, kidney failure, and Twoo Wuv."

"Er…" Harry said, "Okay, the side effects are bad. But what if we make Ron eat it?"

"What?" Ron yelled, outraged. "I'm not expendable, Harry! And I do _not_ look good in women's clothing, Harry, you know that!"

"Ron!" Hermione said, "How many times do we have to tell you, Ron? You're not supposed to know what 'expendable' means!"

"I don't care! I'm sick of being the guy wearing the red shirt on this team!" he shouted.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"You know…" Ron said, "The guy…who wears the red shirt…on that Muggle TV show!" Harry and Hermione looked confused. "The one who always gets sent on missions…and he always dies…" Harry and Hermione still didn't get it. "The point is, everyone always sends him off to get killed while the rest of them get all the credit for it! And I'm not being the guy wearing the red shirt anymore!"

"Your courage is inspiring, red-shirted boy," said a man wearing a red jumpsuit, who had randomly appeared in the Great Hall, "Would you like to be inducted into the Hall of Red-Shirted Heroes for your bravery?"

"Hell, yes!" Ron replied, and walked away with the red-shirted man, who then proceeded to get eaten by the Giant Squid.

Hermione turned back to Harry. "What are we going to do now?" she asked.

"Um…excuse me," a timid voice spoke up. Harry and Hermione turned to the girl.

"Who are you?" Harry asked.

"Um…I'm one of the readers of this fanfic, um…I think I know how you can stop Serena."

"You do?" Hermione asked.

The girl looked down. "Um…yes. If Serena is going to try to reach the graveyard and kill Voldemort because then she'll be the hero of the story…um…couldn't Harry and Cedric sneak into the maze and get there first? That way, the story will progress the way it's supposed to."

The two stared at the reader, shocked. It was Hermione who spoke first. "That's…brilliant!"

The reader blushed. "Thanks…" She then snuck back to her computer before her mother realized she had meddled in yet another story.

"We've got to find Cedric," Harry said, "before it's too late!" But he didn't move at all.

"Harry, what are you doing?" Hermione asked.

"I'm saying something dramatic! Now, when we cut to commercials, the audience will be on the edge of their seats, wondering what happens next!"

"Harry, we're in a fanfic, not a television show," Hermione told him.

"Are you sure?" Harry asked, "Because I think the commercials are about to start."

Serena Sparklypoo and the Goblet of Fire will be back, after these messages!

Are _you_ sad about: your looks; your friends; your clothes; your powers; or your life in general? Do not despair, for with Mary-Suzac, you too can be a Mary-Sue! Two pills a day can instantly transform you into a Mary-Sue, with: perfect hair, perfect looks; perfect grades; and perfect perfection! Just send in five simple payments of nine Galleons and five Knuts, and you can be a Sue! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back! Also try: Marty-Stuzac for men! Just call 1-800-M-A-R-Y-S-U-E! That's 1-800-M-A-R-Y-S-U-E or 1-800-6279-783! That's 1-800-6279-783! Call today and you can get a lifetime supply of glitter absolutely free! That's a hundred Galleon value for only five payments of nine Galleons and five Knuts! Call 1-800-MARY-SUE today!

Serena Sparklypoo and the Goblet of Fire is back!

"That was a short commercial break," Hermione commented, "Now, come on, let's go find Cedric!"

"Yes," Harry said, stopping in a dramatic pose, "Before Serena Sparklypoo kills again!"

"Before…Harry, Serena didn't kill anyone before!"

"I just wanted to say something dramatic," he grumbled.

"Come on," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

--

"Cedric!" Harry cried out, "Cedric! There you are! We need to talk."

"Can't, mate," Cedric said, "I have to study for the end of the year exams, since I'm not a Triwizard champion anymore."

"That's what we want to talk to you about," Hermione told him, "We have an idea of how to stop Serena Sparklypoo. We need your help."

"You want to beat Serena Sparklypoo?" Cedric asked. "Sure, I'll help."

"Great!" Harry exclaimed, "Now Hermione, you go get Ron and watch the Tournament from the crowd. Cedric and I will get Mad-Eye Moody." Hermione nodded and left.

"Do you mean real Mad-Eye Moody, or Death Eater Mad-Eye Moody?" Cedric asked.

"The imposter," Harry answered, "His magical eye will lead us right to the center of the maze."

"But will the imposter want to help _us_? He's a Death Eater, after all."

"I hope so, or the world is doomed," Harry said, freezing in a dramatic pose.

"What are you doing?" Cedric asked.

Harry sighed. "Nothing." He reached Mad-Eye's office and knocked. Suddenly, without warning, the imposter jumped out from behind a vase and tied Harry up with magical bonds.

"Bloody hell!" Harry shouted, hanging upside down from invisible bonds, "You could've warned me you were going to do that!"

"You really should have warned him," Cedric admitted.

"Well, I _didn't _warn him!" the imposter shouted, "So there! You, boy, are going to the graveyard, and no bloody Mary-Sue is going to stop you from going there!"

"That's what we were going to do, you bloody idiot!" Harry yelled, his face turning red, "Now, are you going to help us, or what?"

--

"Left turn here," the imposter whispered, "Then we go straight to the cup." Harry and Cedric followed behind as they crept to the cup. The imposter's fake eye swiveled, then he gasped. "Serena's coming. We'd better hurry."

The three ran to the Triwizard cup, then stopped as suddenly, without warning, a gigantic spider jumped into the path. "Hey!" Harry shouted in an angsty tone of voice, "You should have warned—hey!" he jumped out of the way as the spider swiped one of its large claws at him. He hid behind one of the hedges, along with Cedric and the fake Mad-Eye.

"We'll never make it unless somebody distracts that spider!" the imposter muttered.

"Not me," Harry said, "Voldemort needs my blood to give himself a body."

"Not me," Cedric said, "Voldemort needs to kill me so that Harry is motivated to escape and tell the world about the return of You-Know-Who."

"Not me," the imposter said, "I need to…er, reveal the plot dramatically…and, er, cause the entire wizarding world to believe Fudge when he says that the Dark Lord is dead…and thus make Harry an outcast, unable to fight the Dark Lord…and, er…"

Harry and Cedric glanced at each other conspiratorially and drew their wands. The fake Mad-Eye was swiftly shoved out of the bushes as Harry and Cedric ran towards the Cup. The spider ignored the two boys, instead focusing on the false Mad-Eye Moody.

Harry and Cedric grabbed the cup, and felt a tug just behind their navels as the Portkey whisked them to the graveyard. "We did it!" Harry cried, "We made it to the graveyard before Serena!"

"I wouldn't count on that," a voice told them, then laughed evilly. The boys turned and saw a mysterious, sinister silhouette standing behind them, knowing they were too late.

--

This broadcast has been interrupted to bring you a word from our sponsors:

"We have to stop Serena," Iggy said to the author, "by whatever means necessary." Then he stopped as the author was giggling. "What's so funny?"

"Iggy," she asked, choking on laughter, "are you thinking…" She collapsed into giggles. "_Sue_-icidal thoughts!" She burst into laughs.

"Ha, ha," he replied sarcastically, "Hilarious. Now, if we could get back to the plot-"

"Iggy!" the author cried, "Are you contemplating _sue_-icide? _Sue_-icide is not the answer, Iggy!" She doubled over on the ground, unable to stop laughing.

Iggy frowned. "We are detracting valuable time from the plot here! We just left the readers at a suspenseful moment!"

"Oh, yeah sure, _suspense_!" the author cried, "What suspense? The 'mysterious, sinister silhouette' is Serena, duh! How could it be more obvious?"

Iggy threw up his hands. "Now you just spoiled it!" he cried, "The readers were supposed to be kept in suspense until the next chapter was published! And now you've gone and ruined it!"

"Oh, yeah?" the author screamed, enraged, "Well, to BEEP with suspense! I've been locked in a godBEEP closet for the better part of a BEEPing chapter, and my own BEEPy brother charged me three hundred BEEPing dollars to get out!"

"Well, I'm BEEPing _sorry_, but you were the BEEPhole who dragged me into all this BEEP, so I think I'm BEEP well entitled to a few hundred dollars!" Iggy shouted.

"You know what I BEEPing think about you?" the author asked. She flipped him off. "BEEP that!"

"Excuse me!" a voice called out angrily.

"What?" Iggy and his sister yelled back.

"Could you please tone down the expletives?" the man asked.

"Why?" Iggy asked.

"And who the hell are you?" the author wondered.

"I am the censor," the man said.

"You…count how many of us there are?" the author asked, "Because, dude, I could save you some time. There's only two of us here." She pointed to Iggy and herself. "Two." She held up two fingers.

"That's the _census_," the man said through gritted teeth, "I'm the guy who makes sure you two don't get sued for using expletives in a K-Plus fanfic. Now you to had better stop using swear words now, because my beeper finger's getting tired!" he finished in a whiny voice.

The author looked at Iggy, who shrugged. "Screw you!"

"Now see here!" the man yelled, picking up his beeper, "This is just the kind of BEEPing BEEP that I'm BEEPing talking about. You BEEPing kids-"

"Oh, yeah, well you're a BEEPing pile of BEEP who's BEEPing BEEP his BEEP to BEEP and to BEEP with you and all your BEEPing BEEPs you call rules-"

"-You BEEPing BEEPs-"

"-who's BEEP-"

"-BEEP!-"

"-BEEP!-"

"-BEEP!-"

"-BEEP!-"

"-BEEP!-"

"-BEEP!-"

"-BEEP!-"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

WE ARE EXPERIENCING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

_If you didn't know, the red-shirted guy was from Star Trek._

_This chapter isn't really my best work, but it gets better later._


	10. A Sue by Any Other Name

_I do not own Harry Potter. Slight HBP spoiler. I am not making fun of you, your character, or your fanfic._

"Serena!" Harry gasped, "There's no way you could've gotten here before us!"

"I'm an all-powerful Mary-Sue, Harry," Serena sneered, "I can do whatever I want! I can take over your series, I can defeat Lord Voldemort, I can become the most popular Sue on the planet! And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

"_Sectumsempra_!" Harry cried, completely ignoring the fact that he did not learn that spell until _The Half-Blood Prince_.

Serena knocked with spell away with a bat of her hand, relying on her wandless magic. "Did you really think that would work?" she asked, then frowned. She scrutinized her perfectly manicured hand in shock. "I broke a nail!" she cried, "Oh, you are going to pay for that!" She raised her wand to cast a spell. "_Cru-_"

"Sorry I'm late!" Wormtail suddenly ran into the graveyard, "Traffic was terrible. I got held up by a flock of geese and—er…who are you?"

Serena scowled. "I'm Serena, and I'm kind of busy." She turned back to Harry. "_Cru_-"

"Because…er…I'm supposed to get some blood from Harry so the Dark Lord can rise again." Wormtail squirmed underneath Serena's angry glare.

"The Dark Lord will have to wait," Serena said, "I have to make Harry pay for breaking my fingernail. _Cru_-"

"What's taking so long?" Lord Voldemort asked, completely ignoring the fact that he wasn't supposed to be resurrected until much later.

Serena pursed her lips in frustration. "Can't I have one minute without some random person barging in?"

Immediately after, a random person barged in to answer her rhetorical question. "no" said Biff the cellphone wizard, "u cant hav 1 min w/o sum rndm ppl brgin in"

Serena threw up her hands in exasperation. "Why the hell can't I just kill Harry," she ranted, "without everyone thinking they have to interrupt me? I mean, I take the time to create a perfectly good evil plot, but no, complete strangers have to barge in and ruin it!"

While she was ranting, Harry, Cedric, Wormtail and Voldemort slowly snuck away. "Okay, Serena's gone crazy," Cedric said, "One of us needs to fight her."

"Lord Voldemort's a powerful Dark wizard, right?" Harry suggested, "Why doesn't he fight Serena?"

"No!" Voldemort cried, "Serena's scary!"

"He has a point," Cedric said, "After all, you beat him up when you were baby. He probably wouldn't stand a chance against Serena."

"Hey!" Voldemort protested.

"I have an idea," Harry said, "Why don't we all sneak up behind her and attack at once? There's no way she can fight all four of us at once, right?"

"…and to top it all off, nobody is paying attention to my angsty, evil rant!" Serena finished her angsty, evil rant.

"Hey, Sue!"

Serena whirled around to face the speaker.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Voldemort shouted.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Cedric shouted.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Wormtail shouted.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Harry shouted.

"avda kdvra!" Biff texted.

Time seemed to slow down as the Killing Curses all hit Serena right in the chest, her face frozen in a state of shock—and then she laughed as the green light ricocheted off her. One of the rebounding beams of lights hit Cedric. He crumpled onto the ground, dead. "I'm immune to Killing Curses," Serena told them, "It comes from my elfin lineage."

"She's related to elves?" Voldemort asked.

"She's related to elves, veelas, catpeople, mermaids, werewolves, vampires, goblins, grindylows, dementors…" Harry told him.

Then Serena began to laugh. Hear laugh was like that of a meadowlark, but a particularly evil breed of meadowlark who had just triumphed over her enemies. "And now," she said to them, "I will destroy you all, and there's nothing you can do about it." She raised her wand to kill them.

"Hurt them, and you're dead meat," a mysterious voice called out from the shadows.

TO BE CONTINUED…

…NOW

"Oh, really?" Serena asked the author, who had just called out to her from the shadows, "And what are you going to do about it?"

"I think I'll just have Iggy throw a monkey at you," the author said.

Serena frowned, puzzled. "You'll what?" Then Iggy threw a monkey at her. "Eeek!" she screamed, "Get it off of me!" The monkey jumped off of her face and ran over to the author.

"Oh, you think you're funny, don't you?" Serena yelled, "Well, what will you do if I get the third-person omniscient narrative to do this?"

Suddenly the author began to walk away. "Narrative," she said, "if you don't stop that right now, you're fired!" The author stopped walking.

"You're bluffing," Serena accused, "You don't have anybody to replace the narrative. I made sure of that."

"Oh, yes, I do," the author disagreed, "he's right here." She pointed at the monkey.

"What?" Serena screamed, "You were locked in a closet! There were no narrators around! How could you find one?"

"Cellphones are a wonderful thing, aren't they?" the author taunted.

"hooray!!" Biff shouted.

"You see," the author continued, "I called in a friend. Meet Inky, the typewriting monkey-"

"Ook!" Inky grunted in introduction.

"-and this story's new narrator!" With that, Inky began to type.

"What hast thou wrought upon thy twisted tale/That thou shouldst allow a simian to lead!" Serena didst caterwaul in angst.

"Methinks the lady dost protest too much/Forsooth! Dost I detect a tremor in thy timbre?" thine author didst mock.

"Canst thou cut thy chatter," Brother Igbert didst cry, bemoaning the tempestuous temper of his own kin, "And kindly slay the Sue/Afore her wicked ways canst cause more woe?"

"Quite right thou beith, Igbert-"

At this he didst yell, "Alack! My name beith not Igbert, thou foul primate!"

Yet thy author didst continue "-The beast I must beheadeth/With haste, before the Sue may strike!"

"If thou dost believe thou canst defeat mine/Than thou shalt have a proper duel!" Serena didst shout triumphant, "For I dost know thyself as I mine/And thus I know how thou shalt be defeated!" She didst face my face, as I didst type upon my typing desk. "Thou may be strong, but thy narrator is weak/A banana, beith chocolate-coated, willst satisfy this glutton." I didst catch sight of her scrumptious sweet, although I didst not cease to do my duty, for I didst, for I didst, I didst-

"What happened?"

"Inky abandoned his post to go after the banana."

"Why can we only hear the dialogue?"

"Since I fired the narrative, and Inky quit, there's no one narrating the story. The readers can only hear us speaking."

"Oh. This chapter must be really hard for the readers to read."

"Definitely."

"How are we going to defeat Serena if we can't actually do anything?"

"…I think we need another monkey, Iggy."

"This stinks. Where will we get another monkey? The only people here are you and me!"

"Iggy, that's it! I'll be the monkey!"

"…What?"

"If I start typing on Inky's abandoned typewriter, I'll become the narrator!"

"You can't narrate! Remember when you tried back in Chapter 2? That was a disaster."

"I have to, Iggy, or the world is doomed forever."

"I hate it when you get melodramatic."

_A/N-Sorry if this chapter was hard to read. If you were confused about what happened, here is a summary of what happened while Inky the monkey was in charge of narration: Serena and the author __exchanged witty remarks, Iggy protested being called 'Igbert', and Serena lured Inky away from the typewriter with a chocolate-covered banana._


End file.
